Category: CentOnion

by Aelwen Iredale Attention, Centre students! As finals approach, Admin wants the Cento to relay changes to the finals schedule to the student body as a whole. In particular: how your finals will be formatted. Depending on your subject matter, you may be expected to conduct a new form of exam. Forget about written exams, […]

by Leigh Wingfeld Ever since the installation of the John Marshall Harlan (JMH) Statue, I’ve been noticing some disturbing patterns developing on this campus. Everything just seems to be going wrong! Murphy’s law has been putting in some work; truly anything that can go wrong has gone wrong. We’ve had crazy weather, losses, and other […]

Dear Abe, Abe Help. What do? Dropped Waffle 🙁 5 Second Rule ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Hey Abe, my therapist says I need to take a break but I don’t know how to take time for myself. Class work is piling up and I feel like I don’t have time to spare. What should I do? Drop out.  […]

Centre College is ripe with rarely known trivia facts! Ranging from menial to scandalous, we have compiled all the juiciest factoids for your enjoyment. To gather this information, we have been studying the inner workings of the Centre Mafia for months, and are finally prepared to release the secrets discovered during our investigation. A HUGE […]

Link: https://forms.gle/Sy7tyh38XSqG3xJP9 The Cento is happy to announce the launch of our newest program: Cento Match! Using state-of-the-art technology (unpaid Cento writers), the Cento will analyze your answers to our just-as-state-of-the-art survey, and will match you with the love of your life you didn’t know you were looking for!

by Oaffy Duckley In a shocking press conference last week, Danville mayor J.H. Atkins announced that the city was facing an unprecedented $20 million budget shortfall. While defending his mayoral administration’s fiscal policies, he cited the fire department overshooting its budget by more than 800% as the principal cause of the shortfall. Itemized receipts reveal […]

by Cole Hiller and Ollie Gibson BREAKING NEWS! The Cento detectives have uncovered the greatest conspiracy in all of Centre history.  It is a loosely kept secret that Centre’s financial situation has been rocky at best over the last few years. The key to understanding the recent tuition increase lies in the hands of the […]

by Charlesie Robison Centre College’s English department, typically a department of community, respect, and camaraderie, has fallen into disarray and infighting, and is beginning to fall apart at the seams. Last Thursday, deep in the basements of Crounse, a long buried tome was found, hidden by the retired Mark Lucas. In it, he prophesied the […]

by Oaffy Duckley Governor Andy Beshear announced today what many had long been suspecting: he is officially running for President. Since he is term-limited as a governor, many political analysts expected that he would likely seek out another office at the conclusion of his term, which Beshear has now finally confirmed. In his public announcement […]

by Morgan Dawson As we glide towards the second quarter of 2026, ice skating seems to be on the top of everyone’s minds — from the stunning performances at the Winter Olympics, Alysa Liu’s usurpation of every corner of the internet, and the television series “Heated Rivalry.” Just a scant four months since its streaming […]