By Connor Parks
And now, a special message for Centre students from Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell.
(Note: Due to Sen. McConnell’s impressive physical fitness and immensely muscular biceps, he was unable to physically write this statement and has employed the use of voice transcription technology. What follows is a fair and honest representation of his opinions.)
Honourable students of why is it why is it typing ok it’s typing everything I errr I say okay whoa nelly so I just I just talk and it writes what I say?
*indistinct conversation*
That so? Ok here we…. Nobody gave me my peas for lunch earlier oh you want me to go ahead? Ok I’ll go alrighty uh
*whooping cough-esque noise*
Honourable students of Centre College. Oh that’s down in Danville isn’t it oh okay, well errr students, as you all know, it’s an important year, this, uh, 1996, and we’ve gotta get Clinton and his boys outta th- wha?
*indistinct conversation*
Twenty…twenty twenty six, okay, it’s a big election comin’ up for Donald and some governors and even me I guess. There’s gonna be…uh…well some polls, and a lot of ‘em. So get out there and let’s make it a blue wave…oh a red, red wave, ok…
Well you know you can vote any sort of way I suppose, they say you can even put it in the mailbox now or probably through the tiktok or the facebook or uh… well… what was I…
Right, right, you gotta stick to your guts, think about your issues, ya know? I think healthcare is something every American should be thinking about because boy, let me say, these hospitals have sure been somethin’. Elaine and I have just been in and out of ‘em and lordamercy I think I might’ve even died for a little while because one mornin’ I came to and that Claude fella on the computer had gone and made up a… a picture of me ‘cause everyone thought I kicked the can, and well I, uh..
Oh, also guns, that’s… Kentucky, guns, you know, just like Bourbon and the errr… the kids in the sports, that’s… we gotta tackle the big picture issues, like.. like… like….
Hell it’s 4 p.m, I’m sleepy, whatever. Bellarmine, vote like your life depends on it, because they’re telling me mine probably does, and uh…
*indistinct conversation, slightly more frustrated*
Right, Centre…. McConnell 2026, don’t forget!