BY BRENNEN AMONETT – STAFF WRITER The Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) revealed a new partnership with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) today, announcing the first ever Vice Presidential Fight-to-the-Death Cage Brawl. This event is set to take place at Centre College on October 13th, 2016, and will be the fourth of now five general election […]
Category: CentOnion
CentOnion: Cowan’s Meaty Monotony
BY JAKE MCGUIRK – STAFF WRITER Far more important than newly tenured faculty, a rapidly growing student body, a presidential election, or an ever-heightening conflict in the Middle East is this pressing question: what food will we get to shove in our mouths today? There’s no doubt about it; no single topic dominates conversation at […]
CentOnion: Campus in state of emergency as heating/cooling systems become self-aware
BY GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS EDITOR Centre administrators declared the college in a state of emergency this past Thursday in the face of the institution’s heating and cooling system achieving self-awareness. After weeks of negotiating with the system’s interface, facilities management staff have been unable to debug the program from sporadically switching from heat to […]
CentOnion: DPS condemns use of military grade weaponry; “horrible idea”
BY GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS EDITOR Amid criticism and outrage, Centre College’s Director of the Department of Public Safety Gary Bugg has reiterated his strong disapproval of accepting surplus military grade weaponry from the Danville Police Department (DPD). “It’s a horrible idea,” Bugg said, shoving an M-16A4 off of his desk while making room for […]
Militant Social Justice Warrior Spends Fabulous Day at Keeneland Racecourse
BY GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS EDITOR As is custom during the fall and spring semesters at Centre College, students make the trek to Keeneland Racecourse in Lexington, the unwanted stepsister of the world famous Kentucky Churchill Downs. Though never quite warm enough, weekends at Keeneland become the battleground for students displaying the wealth they desperately […]
Belligerent Alumnus Angered Nevin Hall No Longer Moral Wasteland
BY GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS EDITOR Citing glorious days of untold vandalism, flame runs, and endemic stench, Centre College graduate and veteran of Nevin Hall William Withers was outraged this homecoming weekend to find the building he once called home inhabited by men and women alike. “I’m livid,” the 1981 graduate said, after shot-gunning his […]
First-Year Students Tremble in Fear as President Roush Stares into Their Souls
BY GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS EDITOR The beginning of the school year is always an emotional time for students of Centre College, a small liberal arts institution in Danville, Kentucky. A time of reunion, regrouping, and reinvigoration, August at Centre also sees the induction of a new class, and every year that class is treated […]
College Students/Staff Shocked to Learn Not Everything They Read is True
BY GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS SECTION EDITOR The college community of Centre College in Danville, Kentucky is reeling from recent allegations of their school newspaper publishing articles that are “purely fictional and does not necessarily reflect views of the [newspaper] or Centre College.” The College’s newspaper, The Cento, began a new recurring feature this year […]
CentOnion: Student Life Office Announces the End of ‘No-Bake Wednesdays’
BY GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS SECTION EDITOR In a stunning decision by the Centre College Student Life Office (SLO), the College administration announced plans to end the beloved ‘No-Bake Wednesday’ tradition so many students adore. The decision was communicated via a campus wide email to the student body last Thursday, stating that while the administration […]
Experts Discover Abraham Lincoln Conceived at Centre
By GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS SECTION EDITOR In a stunning new historical development, Centre College administrative experts have determined, independent of the modern academic community, that the sixteenth president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, was conceived on what are now the footsteps of Old Centre. President Lincoln, known for his leadership during the American […]