Category: CentOnion

by “The Anno-Hater” (Anonymous) Dear Editor, I am a learned scholar with three masters in English Studies, Comparative Literature, and Rhetorical Discourse, as well as a PhD in Personal and Academic Perfection from Rushmore University—just in case you needed to know my credentials upfront. (I am currently also a student at Centre College pursuing my […]

by McKenzie Snellgrove If you are a patron of the arts at Centre, you have probably heard of the raucous, absurdist comedy coming to the stage this fall—The Arsonists, by Max Frisch. However, under the slapstick comedy and witty humor, a far more sinister event emerges. In my commitment to journalism, I have gone undercover, […]

by McKenzie Snellgrove and Linley Mueller Happy Halloween Colonels! If you are thinking about participating in that great modern college tradition of Halloweekend and wondering how to make it the best ever, you have come to the right place! Here at the Cento, we strive to help you make the best grades, cultivate great relationships […]

by Aelwen Iredale Alright, Centre students, there’s a new obstacle on your way to classes. Not only must you avoid gnats, wasps, rotting walnuts, and your various opps, you must now avoid the sprinkler system outside of Sutcliffe. You think it’s gone now that the statue’s up? No. Morning, noon, and night, the sprinklers are […]

by Hallie Gleeson Fellow Colonels, check your calendars! You might note something unusual coming up—finals week is looking different this year! Well, that’s not exactly right…there is no finals week this year! Just a finals day!  Centre is trialing a new schedule this semester. Following health concerns over the copious amounts of caffeine consumed and […]

by Anonymous Welcome back to campus, Centre. I know we’re all excited for the school year to start, but before we get too worried about classes that we already have exams and papers in, we need to create the right tone for the year, and the best way to do so is with a decorated […]

by Anonymous  Yes, you read that right! I have finally found definitive proof that the Centre superstitions surrounding the seal in front of Old Centre are nothing more than a big, fat pile of LIES fed to us by the administration for years. Though I am choosing to remain anonymous, this fact should in no […]

by Aelwen Iredale As we have been repeatedly emailed about and seen copious marketing for, Centre now has a Summer Term. However, due to low registration numbers for Summer Term 2025, registration will be reopened for additional course options. For just the low, low price of $5,000, you can join Centre students on campus this […]

by McKenzie Snellgrove I encountered a squirrel today and saw mutiny in its eyes. Walking across campus in the beautiful weather, I have often found myself scanning the luscious green landscape and admiring the blossoms of spring. On this fateful day, however, my gazing was interrupted by a fat and furry squirrel sitting upright on […]

by Aelwen Iredale Finals season is around the corner, and now it is time to start preparing. But wait—are you about to go and study the content you learned? No, you need to do way more than that. Centre is a unique institution, and it prides itself on enlightenment—“Doctrina Lux Mentis” as they say. However, […]