Category: CentOnion

Dear Abe, Abe Help. What do? Dropped Waffle 🙁 5 Second Rule ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Hey Abe, my therapist says I need to take a break but I don’t know how to take time for myself. Class work is piling up and I feel like I don’t have time to spare. What should I do? Drop out.  […]

Centre College is ripe with rarely known trivia facts! Ranging from menial to scandalous, we have compiled all the juiciest factoids for your enjoyment. To gather this information, we have been studying the inner workings of the Centre Mafia for months, and are finally prepared to release the secrets discovered during our investigation. A HUGE […]

Link: https://forms.gle/Sy7tyh38XSqG3xJP9 The Cento is happy to announce the launch of our newest program: Cento Match! Using state-of-the-art technology (unpaid Cento writers), the Cento will analyze your answers to our just-as-state-of-the-art survey, and will match you with the love of your life you didn’t know you were looking for!

by Oaffy Duckley In a shocking press conference last week, Danville mayor J.H. Atkins announced that the city was facing an unprecedented $20 million budget shortfall. While defending his mayoral administration’s fiscal policies, he cited the fire department overshooting its budget by more than 800% as the principal cause of the shortfall. Itemized receipts reveal […]

by Cole Hiller and Ollie Gibson BREAKING NEWS! The Cento detectives have uncovered the greatest conspiracy in all of Centre history.  It is a loosely kept secret that Centre’s financial situation has been rocky at best over the last few years. The key to understanding the recent tuition increase lies in the hands of the […]

by Charlesie Robison Centre College’s English department, typically a department of community, respect, and camaraderie, has fallen into disarray and infighting, and is beginning to fall apart at the seams. Last Thursday, deep in the basements of Crounse, a long buried tome was found, hidden by the retired Mark Lucas. In it, he prophesied the […]

by Oaffy Duckley Governor Andy Beshear announced today what many had long been suspecting: he is officially running for President. Since he is term-limited as a governor, many political analysts expected that he would likely seek out another office at the conclusion of his term, which Beshear has now finally confirmed. In his public announcement […]

by Morgan Dawson As we glide towards the second quarter of 2026, ice skating seems to be on the top of everyone’s minds — from the stunning performances at the Winter Olympics, Alysa Liu’s usurpation of every corner of the internet, and the television series “Heated Rivalry.” Just a scant four months since its streaming […]

by Oaffy Duckley Many months of investigative reporting have finally answered one of the student body’s most pressing questions over the last year: where is all our increased tuition money going? A financial report obtained by the CentOnion reveals the shocking truth: in Academic Year 2025-2026, $528,751 of Centre’s budget was earmarked for “caviar, Wagyu […]

by Cornelius Binghamfart the Third Filming has begun on Centre College’s campus for the exciting movie “Cocaine Quails,” a feature length film featuring the Cocaine Quails in the Young basement.  Contrary to popular belief, Centre College does not have cocaine chickens. It has the next best, flightless thing: Cocaine Quails! These quails are native to […]