The Cicadas Agenda

by Linley Mueller

In the year of 2024, for the first time since 1803, there are two cicadas broods that are emerging to create one giant influx of cicadas. These are Broods XIX and XIII, coming together to produce a swarm of over a billion cicadas across the country. These specific cicadas are also going to be coming out of the ground, where they had been living for the past seventeen years! Yet it has been expected that the bugs might have some secret plan after hiding away for so long. Here at Centre, the effects have already begun. Cicadas have been taking over, and here’s what we know so far.

I interviewed a student who had an unusual encounter last week. This person walked into a study room, oblivious to the brood so far. Inside, sitting across from the door, was a cicada in a full suit and fancy shoes. The cicada appeared to be unusually tall, but the student reported that there were just 200 cicadas filling up the space in the clothing, appearing as a human. The cicadas split from their positions, flying towards the student and locking them in the room. It also would seem that cicadas have taken over the computers in the library. They are typing day and night, hiding in the walls when the library is supposed to close. It only took a day for these cicadas to learn what they had to do to take over the space previously used for studying and quiet time.

But the library isn’t the only place being disrupted–so are the streets around town. Without licenses, cicadas have been crawling through engines into the cars of students. Many cars have been seen at night just pulling out of the spot and moving at five miles per hour. One anonymous witness says, “It must be that they can’t put the pedal to the metal yet.” Another witness warns, “Make sure you stop the cicadas if you see them taking my car.” This is potentially very dangerous to the community and it would only be safe to watch out for any moving vehicles.

The last major event took everyone by surprise. A shocking event left students feeling tricked and tests left unprinted. Cicadas hacked into the mainframe, disturbing any and all of the work connected to student accounts. Papers were left unfinished, and summer is looking further and further away. Students and staff have no idea how this could have happened, as the mainframe should have been secure. The cicadas seem to want vengeance. 

Please stay tuned to find out whether we will get power back in the main buildings. I would also recommend buying yourself a router while at Centre. It would seem that cicadas have also taken over eduroam. Stay safe and watch your backs…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *