CentOnion: Centre Students Melt As They Desperately Await A/C

by McKenzie Snellgrove

With temperatures rising and the sun finally coming out to greet the smiling faces of students barreling headfirst into finals, spring has officially sprung here at Centre College! However, a strange epidemic seems to be emerging out of the beautiful weather. While most students can be found sunning themselves on the lawn and eating their Einstein’s on the picnic tables, some have been found overheated in their dorms, slowly melting into their mattresses.

This epidemic is affecting many students and not all have been able to escape it. One victim living in Cheek claims that he went to sleep in a hot room with no AC to cool him off. The student explained that he slept with no blankets in an attempt for a reprieve from the heat, but his roommate claimed the heat didn’t bother him and went to bed beneath his comforter. The next morning, the student woke up to his roommate’s bed empty, with his clothes lying in a heap on top of a thick and steaming puddle of sweat that was slowly seeping into the bedspread. This student told the Cento he is “worried if he will ever reshape back to his old self” but is “currently enjoying the reprieve from his god awful snoring.”

Another student who was a victim of the New Quad AC curse claims she usually spends her time inside playing video games and reading in the comfort of her room, but has been driven to sit outside for the first time since she was six, just to escape the stagnant air of the dorm. Escaping to Cowan or the library might be offered as an alternative, but both are risky options.

he temperatures in Cowan seem to fluctuate about the same as the temperature outside and the majority library is almost always the extreme opposite. One student claimed they started doing their homework at the library instead of their dorm, but found the second floor to be just as hot, if not stiflingly hotter than the dorms. It is clear something must be done—simply turn on the AC!

While the campus waits with bated breath to hear the sweet humming of the AC ringing through New Quad, here are some places for Centre students to go for an escape: any admissions or administrative building, the Danville library, the Hub or Drystack, inside any fridge on campus, the tunnels underneath New Quad, the meat freezer in Cowan, a shower with cold water, the ice baths in the athletic department, the Norton center fountain, the library basement bathroom, a gushing fire hydrant, and inside the ice-cream container at Cowan. Don’t worry Colonels, we’ll make it through this awkward period between winter and spring, but in the meantime, keep your fans on and windows open. Stay cool out there.