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Category: CentOnion

Centre Announces New Study Abroad

Estimated Read Time: 2 minutes

By Anonymous Just this last week the Center Global announced the newest location to our study abroad roster, Centre-in-Antarctica!  “Students will get a first hand experience with the effects of climate change on the polar ecosystem in a truly new way,” says a press release on the Centre Global website. They went on to say […]

Crime Made Easy: A Guide For Centre Colonels

Estimated Read Time: 3 minutes

by Anonymous Coalition, The “C.E.N.TO.” Hello! The C.E.N.T.O. believes that crime is good and should never pay. That is why, here at the Criminal’s Entertainment and Naughty Terrorist Organization, or The C.E.N.T.O. for short, we have decided to make this guide to help all Centre students, especially those who aren’t cowards and have guts, to […]

Ask Abe: Help, I Deserve Better

Estimated Read Time: 5 minutes

Dear Abe, I don’t think I deserved the grade I got on my exam, how should I go about fixing this? If a test defeats you, then you must retaliate by defeating it. Or, more precisely, you must defeat the person who created that test: your professor. When you stare at the failing grade on […]

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Estimated Read Time: 3 minutes

By Cole Hiller and Linley Mueller This week, on the Cento’s Trustworthy News Update, we have caught wind of a variety of interesting events.  What a doozy for news this week! Here at The Cento, we are committed to bringing the most riveting, informative, curated news to your attention. We hope you can see the […]

The Cowan Round Table

Estimated Read Time: 2 minutes

by Elke Coenders Some members of the Algonquin Round Table visited Centre recently. They took over a Cowan table. I eavesdropped and wrote down some things they said. Edna Ferber: “Being a business major is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to study.” Dorothy Parker: “I like to have a […]

Looking For a Job At Centre?

Estimated Read Time: 4 minutes

by Aelwen Iredale We all know that Centre is expensive; we complain about it all the time. Between tuition, room and board, meal plans, and all the money we spend avoiding staying on campus, we are all broke college students, as per usual. But what if I told you there was a solution? Centre has […]

The Two-Party Problem of America

Estimated Read Time: 4 minutes

by Cole Hiller In case you didn’t know, the election was this year. I didn’t know that until the day of the election, when I was researching the candidates frantically while being driven to the polling station. Personally, I was too wrapped up in Antarctica’s politics to pay attention to American politics, so I voted […]

The Chevans Secret

Estimated Read Time: 3 minutes

by Adam West Hello, dear reader. The Cento recently received a concerning letter and believe that it would be best, as a newspaper, to publish it for your enjoyment. We cannot confirm or deny anything in this message. However, if you have any information that may validate or disprove this email, please contact us at […]

Centre Through the Ceiling Tiles

Estimated Read Time: 5 minutes

by Aelwen Iredale & Charlesie Robison One day as I sat studying in the library, I saw a familiar dog run by. It was rather curious to see Blue in such a rush without any humans guiding, so I couldn’t help myself but stand and follow. As I peered outside, I saw Blue running towards […]

The Curse of Hamlet

Estimated Read Time: 5 minutes

by McKenzie Snellgrove Many people inside the theatre community and out know about the curse of The Scottish Play. For centuries, the curse has been a looming ghost in western theatre, waiting to doom unsuspecting productions that utter the famous word or perform the cursed play. No self-respecting thespian would dare to speak the name […]

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