Author: Cento

by Oaffy Duckley In a shocking press conference last week, Danville mayor J.H. Atkins announced that the city was facing an unprecedented $20 million budget shortfall. While defending his mayoral administration’s fiscal policies, he cited the fire department overshooting its budget by more than 800% as the principal cause of the shortfall. Itemized receipts reveal […]

by Cole Hiller and Ollie Gibson BREAKING NEWS! The Cento detectives have uncovered the greatest conspiracy in all of Centre history.  It is a loosely kept secret that Centre’s financial situation has been rocky at best over the last few years. The key to understanding the recent tuition increase lies in the hands of the […]

by Charlesie Robison Centre College’s English department, typically a department of community, respect, and camaraderie, has fallen into disarray and infighting, and is beginning to fall apart at the seams. Last Thursday, deep in the basements of Crounse, a long buried tome was found, hidden by the retired Mark Lucas. In it, he prophesied the […]

by Oaffy Duckley Governor Andy Beshear announced today what many had long been suspecting: he is officially running for President. Since he is term-limited as a governor, many political analysts expected that he would likely seek out another office at the conclusion of his term, which Beshear has now finally confirmed. In his public announcement […]

by Morgan Dawson As we glide towards the second quarter of 2026, ice skating seems to be on the top of everyone’s minds — from the stunning performances at the Winter Olympics, Alysa Liu’s usurpation of every corner of the internet, and the television series “Heated Rivalry.” Just a scant four months since its streaming […]

by Oaffy Duckley Many months of investigative reporting have finally answered one of the student body’s most pressing questions over the last year: where is all our increased tuition money going? A financial report obtained by the CentOnion reveals the shocking truth: in Academic Year 2025-2026, $528,751 of Centre’s budget was earmarked for “caviar, Wagyu […]

by Cornelius Binghamfart the Third Filming has begun on Centre College’s campus for the exciting movie “Cocaine Quails,” a feature length film featuring the Cocaine Quails in the Young basement.  Contrary to popular belief, Centre College does not have cocaine chickens. It has the next best, flightless thing: Cocaine Quails! These quails are native to […]

by Aelwen Iredale There’s been rain. There’s been sun. There’s been every temperature we can imagine. And guess what? It’s not over with! We can all be very excited to deal with continually varying temperatures. So don’t put away your winter boots just yet—spring hasn’t sprung quite yet. Here’s the weather report for this week: […]

by Anonymous Weed is becoming more and more accessible at Centre College. There is a rising demand for this substance among Centre students and this demand is being met by an unexpected demographic: Danville high school students. These Danville locals are flooding Centre with so much weed that even the most seasoned of stoners would […]

by Cornelius Binghamfart the Third, President of the Association Against Blue Dogs The latest Centre College theater show, appropriately titled Witch, is filled with devil worshippers. The play horrendously includes a person playing a devil, and is a mockery of the theater program! This is exactly what Dungeons and Dragons and heavy metal music has […]