by Cole Hiller and Ollie Gibson
BREAKING NEWS! The Cento detectives have uncovered the greatest conspiracy in all of Centre history.
It is a loosely kept secret that Centre’s financial situation has been rocky at best over the last few years. The key to understanding the recent tuition increase lies in the hands of the seemingly pure and innocent Classics Department.
Do not be mistaken by their simplistic, analog ways. Those dusty nerds are guzzling all of Centre’s funds, and we can prove it. Our anonymous source (Charlesie Robison) confirmed from her discussions with construction workers that the department is building an exact replica of the Coliseum on campus— filled to the brim with faux naval battles, gladiators sourced from suspended students, and “ancient texts” (which we all know is slang for smut).
You thought the construction of Champions Hall was bad? Well, the Classics Department is renovating the building AGAIN in secret, slowly replacing bricks each night with marble stone to create this Neoclassical monstrosity. They will sink another 5 million dollars into Champions Hall, and where will they get it? That’s right, your student worker wages!
But wait: there is another layer to this glass onion. We thought the Classics Department was working alone, but in reality, they are simply a puppet of the Religion Department! During our investigation, an anonymous junior member of the Cento (Charlesie Robison) was tragically snatched and brought deep below the floors of Champions Hall. They were initiated into the Religion Department by ritual baptism, and are now another agent of this sweeping chaos.
There is only one thing left to do, now that we know what we know. We must lay siege to Champions Hall, destroy this ritual pool, and expose the truth!
They will put this in the April Fools article to censor our voice. Do not be fooled! Do not be fooled.