by Cornelius Binghamfart the Third
Filming has begun on Centre College’s campus for the exciting movie “Cocaine Quails,” a feature length film featuring the Cocaine Quails in the Young basement.
Contrary to popular belief, Centre College does not have cocaine chickens. It has the next best, flightless thing: Cocaine Quails! These quails are native to the basement of Young, which will be temporarily taken over for the movie by film crews. There has been no word on when filming will end.
The movie is being produced by the creators of Cocaine Bear and will be a spiritual sequel to that critically acclaimed blockbuster hit. It will feature several scenes of Centre College students, faculty, staff, and even native Danvillians such as Mayor Atkins getting mauled, maimed, and masticated by the Cocaine Quails. In fact, to make the film feel as realistic as possible, these events will not be CGI-ed, but instead it will be the real Cocaine Quails killing real people!
The Cento has obtained exclusive details about the upcoming movie Cocaine Quails, including that the movie will feature recent Centre visitor Marlon Wayans, that many professors will make cameo appearances in the movie, and that the final conflict between Wayans’ character and the main Cocaine Quail will happen on the roof of Crounse.
However, the recent rumors that the Cocaine Quails are members of the flock of Bird scooters plaguing Centre’s campus and not real quails has thrown a wrench into the film’s production, although many people would argue that scooters are scarier than quails, adding to the suspense and horror of the movie. Whatever the case, don’t cross the Cocaine Quails, or else.