By McKenzie Snellgrove
This year, I’ve grown tired of the holly jolly Christmas schtick and become suspicious of good ol’ Kris Kringle. Just as we’ve seen with the release of the Epstein list, anyone who has a substantial amount of power and wealth is bound to have some skeletons in their closet…so what could Santa be hiding? As a dedicated Cento reporter, I decided to dive into uncovering the secrets of the holiday gift bearer in hopes to find the truth!!
To start, I downloaded a Santa tracker app that let me know where Santa is at all times. Most of the time he stays at the North Pole, obviously, but he has taken some excursions to malls across the world—so of course I had to follow him! At the Fayette Mall in Lexington, I saw him on full display, surrounded by a wonderland of snow, candy canes, and greedy children clobbering to get their wishes in before Christmas. What could be hiding beneath this sweet, glistening exterior, I wondered. By the time I got to the front of the line, I believe he caught wind of my investigation and scurried off mumbling some nonsense about a “weirdo” at his station. I knew who he was talking about of course–that little bitch Sarah can’t go asking for TWO Barbie dream houses AND a real-life pony! As a committed reporter, I followed Santa to some strange back room in the bowels of the Fayette Mall. The walls were crackling plaster, the floors were as scuffed as my 13 year old converse, and paper plates and cups were strewn everywhere. It seemed almost like…an in-progress undercover workshop for Santa to work on making toys! Believable enough, but then I saw something truly terrifying–Santa was drinking something from a paper cup at one of the tables. Upon further inspection it appeared to be coffee!! Can you believe it‽ All these years, we’ve been told Santa only drinks hot chocolate and immense amounts of Coca-Cola, but no, here he was drinking the devil’s juice.
Despite this bombshell, I knew there was still more to find. I continued to follow the old man’s every move, tracking him from meet-and-greet to meet-and-greet. At each station, I decided to interview some of the children there to visit and take pictures, as well as find the children who weren’t as interested. The first child I talked to, Mary Happy, was very excited to ask Santa for a new Lego set that her mother had been refusing to buy her for months, saying it was too expensive and citing “the stupid tariffs” that are “bludgeoning her will to live” (quote from Mrs. Happy). The second child, however, Boohoo Sadness, said that he was going to ask Santa for anything at all! When I asked why, he responded that Santa had never even come to his house! Then the mother tried to explain by telling me that their family had been struggling financially for years. Imagine how I felt when I learned this information! Can you believe that Santa is so classist? How could he come through every year for a cute little rich girl but completely ignore the poor child whose parents can barely afford to buy him a winter coat‽
This discovery only added fuel to my flame. I was more determined than ever to bring Santa down. Turning to literature, I researched every mention of Santa across the span of history. Every Christmas song, every folk tale, every child’s Youtube Christmas haul (“A NERF GUN BUT NO BULLETS? How Santa Slacked On My Xmas List”) only drove me closer to the truth. My conclusion is this…I don’t think Santa is even real!! With the crazy discrepancy between gifts, the strange propensity for milk and cookies during the longest all-nighter of the year, and the conflicting stories of his personality, the only reasonable conclusion must be that Santa is a government hoax! Santa is how the government keeps us acting good and nice. Santa is the big brother watching over our shoulders every night. Santa is the golden cash cow of American Capitalism and I am done bowing down to him. I pity the poor man who they have tricked into playing a part in their grand scheme. That sad man who truly believes he is Santa Claus, promising gifts to children who may never even receive them. The only question is…who brings the presents on Christmas day if not Santa? A US sleeper agent? A boss-baby type child programmed to do the government’s bidding? No one knows. I’ll find out soon enough, but I’ve done enough investigating for one holiday season. Just remember, if a fat man in a red suit promises to bring you a cushy new toy this Christmas, he really is just a big, fat liar.