by Anonymous
Yes, you read that right! I have finally found definitive proof that the Centre superstitions surrounding the seal in front of Old Centre are nothing more than a big, fat pile of LIES fed to us by the administration for years. Though I am choosing to remain anonymous, this fact should in no way keep you from believing me and should further validate my findings. Don’t worry–you can trust me. Like many of my readers, I came to Centre with big dreams of academic validation, numerous frat parties, and four wonderfully short years until my 98% guaranteed job/masters placement. Those dreams were quickly shattered as my FYC mentor informed me on the first day that I needed to avoid the Centre seal at all costs. She said that stepping on the seal would cost me my grades, my luck, and the hopes of graduating in four years! What terrifying words for a freshman to hear!! Yet, after years of living in fear, I finally grew brave and determined to debunk the myth once and for all. After my daring experiment, no freshman would ever be fearful ever again.
My first course of action had to be an accidental stepping on the seal. Maybe the all-knowing Centre gods would be able to see that my desecration of the seal had been a simple mistake and let me off the hook. So, I took the long way back to my dorm and faked a very convincing trip on the uneven stones. As soon as my foot hit the metal engraving, a hard THWACK rang out, echoing against the pillars of Old Centre and reverberating down the lawn. I quickly lifted my foot from the seal and kept on walking, trying to keep my calm. For the rest of the day, I held my breath in anticipation, waiting for something to go wrong. When I got my bagel from Einsteins, I slowly peeled off the wrapping, expecting the wrong bagel or a discolored egg–it was perfectly fine. In class, playing the Wordle on my computer, I waited for my professor to appear behind me and scold me in front of everyone–she never did. That evening, I checked Moodle, hovering over the grades tab to see a big fat F next to my most recent paper–I got a B+. After a few days of bated breath, I settled on the fact that my plan had worked. The myth had been busted!
However, as a true investigative reporter, I could not be satisfied. That step had seemed accidental. I had to step it up a notch. This time, I waited until the sun had set and most of the campus was asleep, just to make sure it was just me and the seal who witnessed the atrocity I planned on committing. Wearing a UK sweatshirt, a Transylvania hat, and holding a Harvard flag, I walked up the hill to Old Centre and, without hesitation, took a wild jump onto the seal. Both of my feet landed squarely on the seal, the THWACK ringing out again. Again, I jumped up in the air, waved the Harvard flag, and harshly landed on the seal again. After a few more defiling jumps, I fell to the ground, my head resting gently on the cool metal of my beautiful school’s motto, and whispered “C6H0 was a fluke.” After some consideration, I decided that was enough and whispered again: “If we’re the Harvard of the south, then how come nobody knows who the hell we are??” That felt cruel enough.
I quickly retreated to my dorm and waited for the ensuing bad luck to begin. Once again, I went about my week, walking on eggshells. Every time I turned a corner, I half-expected THE Centre College Colonel to be waiting for me with a mud-pie and a flaming knuckle sandwich. Yet, once again, nothing happened. If anything, campus seemed more mundane. Students went to class, friends talked a little too loudly in the library, and Cowan continued to churn out half decent entrees and perfect ice cream. Everything seemed normal. Even with my crude insults and rival-related blasphemy, I had avoided the curse. Now I knew what I had to do–I had to go beyond childish insults and turn to something far more sinister.
It was a quiet night and the wind felt cold against my bare skin. The hair in-between and on top of my legs gently rustled like tall grass on a spring day. The only thing I wore was a Centre T-shirt from freshman orientation, which fit very snuggly around my torso. Running up the lawn, anyone who happened to see me would likely assume I was running the flame. Little did they know, my plan was much more nefarious and intentional. I was not fueled by alcohol and the desire to fulfill a college fantasy–this was all in the name of science. I leaned over and spit on the seal, watching how the moonlight glinted off the metal. Then, without allowing myself to second-guess my plan, I turned around, squatted over the seal and let loose. As I felt the bowels of my spirit empty with shame, I reflected on my journey to this point in my experiment. Despite this, I had to admit I felt bad. After I was done, I began to make my final mark on the seal by releasing in a different way when I suddenly heard the sound of fast-paced footsteps behind me. As I turned my head towards the sound, I felt a rough force hit my side as I went down, my head hitting the bricks surrounding the seal. My head grew foggy, but through the haze I heard officers reading me my rights and arresting me on the spot.
In conclusion, I cannot say whether or not the myth is true to some extent (yes, I know, I resorted to clickbait with my title). Maybe my bad luck caught up with me and that’s why I was arrested. Maybe the seal told on me to DPS, who called the cops on me for what they framed as “public indecency”. Either way, there is obviously something ominous going on behind the scenes. If there wasn’t, I never would’ve been arrested in the first place! But TECHNICALLY, my grades never slipped, and even though I’m still serving time in the Boyle County jail, I was never denied graduation. If I wasn’t banned from campus and hadn’t had all my connections to the college severed, I would have been on that stage, watching Kasey Montgomery narrowly dodge that falling backdrop (maybe she accidentally stepped on the seal at some point). So, TECHNICALLY and SCIENTIFICALLY, myth busted! However, this does mean that rather than bringing bad grades and delayed graduation–the Centre seal must be involved in a college conspiracy that goes all the way to the top! Rest easy colonels, I will soon be back to myth-busting and following the trail of lies to the president’s office and admin buildings —possibly even into Blue’s dog bed…in five to ten years.