by Hallie Gleeson
Have you ever thought, “Wow, my friend’s Brock is so nice. I wish I could live there already?!” Instead, you probably reside in a broom closet on the third floor of some crumbling, mold-infested building. What if that was about to change?
With the housing lottery finally finished, many students are bemoaning their unfortunate placements in Breckenridge, Ruby Cheek, and the like. These unlucky scholars regard their more fortunate friends with a mixture of resentment and jealousy. Envy has crept into the very heart of campus. Colonels, this will not do.
Fortunately, Centre has a plan to remedy this divide in our community. Earlier this week, President Moreland unveiled an ambitious five year plan that will revolutionize campus housing, pioneering fraternity and solidarity amongst students. Through a combination of parent (and grandparent) donors, alumni matching, and hefty cuts to the SGA club budget, Centre College will be ushering in a new era of equity.
The 100 million dollar project will address many common student complaints, including accessibility, space constraints, privacy, and more! In an innovative effort to stay under budget, these changes will be focused on de-renovating the most hotly desired residence halls. Despite the large amount of funds raised, properly renovating all of the campus was too impractical, so this strategy is the best route to a fair and equal housing experience.
The de-renovation project—called Hunker Down—will be partnering with several campus programs and organizations to make the changes! Read on to find out more about how specific student complaints are being handled:
“Dude, my closet floor is actually covered in mold. I think it’s leaking from the bathroom upstairs.”
The Biochemistry and Molecular Biology program plans to donate mold cultures gathered from Nevin, Chevans, and the New Quad tunnels. Senior students have carefully chosen samples with high resistance to heat and humidity, quick inoculation periods, and low allergen rates. These characteristics were emphasized to allow all students the opportunity to see specks of black dots slowly creep across their ceiling tiles, to throw out their favorite beach towels, and to have an excuse to skip class because of a cough that no amount of cherry syrup can seem to knock. These cultures will be placed in Pearl and Northside, as well as every other Brock. Waiting for mold to naturally grow would require too much time, and Centre wants to react quickly to this disparity. Implementing this sharing will also be sharing more than just the mold cultures themselves—those fungi are infused with the very culture of Centre itself!
“The water pressure is so bad that if I dumped a bucket of water on my head I think it would work better.”
The Hunker Down project is happy to announce that the shower heads in all relevant buildings with uncomfortable water pressure will be replaced with antique lead faucets!
“I hate the cinder block walls. It’s like a jail cell.”
Though the Hunker Down project does not directly address this, stylistic wall cracks will be added to all residence halls built after 2002! The maintenance crew will be getting overtime opportunities. (Student workers are encouraged to apply.)
“The lighting is so bad.”
To remedy this, the project will be switching out all lightbulbs for flickering overhead lights from Ephraim McDowell! The cool-tones will provide a focused, high-energy environment.
“The AC is so inconsistent, and whoever is in charge of switching the system can never get it right.”
To be more competitive with other liberal arts colleges with a high residential student population, Centre will be removing the AC and heating units from all dorms. After all, if the vast majority of Harvard dorms don’t have AC, why should we? We ain’t no sissies! (C6H0, remember?)
“There’s only one washing machine for my entire building. Some buildings have four!”
Easy fix to this one. All washer and dryer units will be removed from every residence hall. Students will be provided with a washboard and the savings from water and heating costs will be reimbursed to students as vouchers for sanitation supplies and deodorant.
“My room is so small. Plus, my roommate doesn’t even talk to me.”
One more major change to add to the list of fixes involves switching up the floorplan of Northside and Pearl to resemble barracks. Gone are the days of debating between a double or triple! The current pod model will be expanded, but those walls are about to come crashing down! Students will be sharing space with 149 other dedicated colonels, a number carefully chosen because of Dunbar’s number. This will ensure greater connections and camaraderie on campus, as roommates navigate the logistics of three toilets and one sink for 150 busy individuals.
The complaints that Breck, Nevin, and New Quad were subpar have gone on for far too long. It’s refreshing to see Centre take action to increase parity. After all, we all pay the same amount, and why should anyone get to live it up in a personal apartment while someone else has a classic dorm experience?
These changes reflect Centre’s commitment to connecting students to history while looking forward to the future. If our alumni had to suffer, we as good Colonels should suffer, too. Suggestions are open. Direct any advice to idontcareandwontrespond@centre.edu, or illpretendtolistenlol@centre.edu. Roll Kerns!