by Aelwen Iredale
Finals season is around the corner, and now it is time to start preparing. But wait—are you about to go and study the content you learned? No, you need to do way more than that. Centre is a unique institution, and it prides itself on enlightenment—“Doctrina Lux Mentis” as they say. However, standard finals, such as presentations, essays, or exams, are too common. Centre needs to be ahead of the curve while preparing students for the real world because the job market is demanding, and Centre needs its status to be maintained by alumni. So, Centre has decided to experiment with new final formats for students that will give them unique skills and challenges to overcome and grow from.
1) Philosophy classes will be required to meet a sphinx and answer three philosophical riddles to pass their class. For each one they miss, they lose a letter grade, and if they incorrectly answer all three, they will be eaten. The purpose of this is to put our newest philosophers in situations their predecessors had to face in the ages of myths and legends. After all, they were the finest philosophers of the world, and we study them today. To create new philosophers, Centre must train its students the same way. Additionally, thinking on your feet is excellent for any job track. If a lawyer is in a philosophy class, they can learn what it means to be questioned on minute details in riddles. Good luck, philosophers! (Note to all students: please do not feed the sphinx in the basement of Young’s. She is temperamental and won’t accept Cowan chicken)
2) Chemistry classes will display their lab skills by creating a poison antidote. However, to add to the challenge, they themselves must take the poison beforehand. Fear not, the poison won’t kill, it will just send you to the bathroom like Cowan food. It is unpleasant, though, so professors recommend chemists make the antidote quickly. Working under pressure is important for every researcher to learn because, in a day and age of lack of funding, stress is bound to be a daily plague for Centre’s young scientists. (Note to students: do not drink the green liquid in the Einstein’s cups if you’re not in a chemistry course)
3) Computer Science classes will be locked in an Olin computer lab with an AI trained to take over the world. Students will have to use all their computer and coding knowledge to combat the AI takeover from occurring. This is an important exam because the rise in AI means that someday soon, the robot revolution will come. Centre students will be trained to deal with it and, thus, get plenty of job security as the only force standing between the world and computer overlords. No need for the Matrix to come to pass when Centre’s computer scientists have the skills to defeat any evil intelligence that attempted to rise up. (Note to students: battle may occur in the VR world, so commission art students for a virtual design of yourself unless you want to be a blob)
4) Business students must have some hands-on experience in the world of business, so what better than being sent to work? For their final, students will be sent to various businesses and have to work for three hours straight instead of taking an exam. Those who make the most money will receive the highest scores; those who make none will receive failing grades. Job placements will be randomized between retail work, restaurant work, and factory work. It is important to learn the ins and outs of customer and worker experience before being in charge of any business, since that is where real business is conducted. (Note to students: all profit goes to Centre since you are working under Centre)
5) All students in language classes will be taken out on planes to countries that speak their respective languages. They will then parachute in and have to escape back to Centre on their own. This is the highest test of their language-speaking skills: survival. Students’ photos will be circulated to local authorities so no one will speak English to them, leaving them with only the language they’re studying. There will be several markers—statues of Blue—that students will take their pictures with. The more they find over the course of three days, the more points they receive on their final—starting from zero and working to one hundred. (Note to all students: you must provide your own airfare back if you don’t arrive on time)