by Hallie Gleeson
Scan today’s top headlines and you’ll spot a half-dozen references to Zuckerburg, Musk, Bezos, and the like. Barely a day goes by where we don’t hear about the goings-on of the 0.01%. We joke, we groan, and sometimes we even admire — after all, most of them are self-made, or have at least given themselves that title.
There are 492 billionaires in the United States… but say there was just one more. If I were a billionaire, here’s what I’d do.
How much better the world would be! I’d scribble off a tweet or two about “changing the system” and “making a difference.” What good is charity without publicity?
The thing about being a billionaire is that you get to see the world in a whole new way—mainly because you no longer have to deal with it the way everyone else does. The true mark of success is not how much good you do, but how much you can get away with.
Don’t even get me started on tax havens. Why contribute to the country that gave me my start when I can park my money in a jurisdiction that has no idea what a “middle class” is? After all, taxes are just the government’s way of redistributing my hard-earned wealth to people who didn’t create the next big app, right? Think people who work minimum wage jobs, or even worse, teachers. They should be grateful for the scraps I throw their way, like a new community center or a school with a plaque bearing my name. I even donate to Congressmen! You’re welcome, America.
Ah, the billionaire class. Masters of innovation, purveyors of progress, and the unchallenged arbiters of culture, right? Well, not exactly. In fact, the latest follies of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg prove that not even an infinite fortune can protect you from spectacular miscalculations. Recently, both of these tech moguls have offered a free masterclass in how to burn through vast sums of money and goodwill while somehow managing to outdo each other in the category of “What Were They Thinking?”
Musk’s approach to presidential politics highlights his deeper commitment to the idea that wealth is the only qualification needed for leadership, even when there’s no clear vision for the future—or, you know, any actual political experience. When you’re a billionaire like Musk or Zuckerberg, the assumption is that you have the resources, the vision, and the foresight to steer the ship. But more often than not, these tech moguls have shown that their wealth only compounds their vanity, leading to high-risk gambles with very little self-awareness. No amount of hubris can hide the fact that wealth doesn’t equate to wisdom.
Mark Zuckerberg has been having what can only be described as an extended identity crisis in the tech world. First there was Threads, Meta’s attempt to create a Twitter alternative. The rollout was supposed to be a game-changer—a seamless transition for social media users who were frustrated with Twitter’s erratic management under Musk.
Except Threads launched with a fanfare that fizzled out faster than the app’s user retention rate.
Despite a decent initial buzz, users quickly realized that, like many Meta products before it, Threads felt like a hastily thrown-together platform that lacked the magic of its predecessor. It was supposed to be a “clean” alternative, but in reality, it was riddled with bugs, poorly designed, and left users wondering, “Why would I use this when Twitter—or even X, or whatever it’s called now—does the same thing?”
But he kept going, leaning into sweeping changes to the platform, while competitor TikTok faced mounting threats of a ban in the U.S. over security concerns. Zuckerberg could have just kept his mouth shut and welcomed the digital refugees. Instead, he decided to act like a chef boasting about his new restaurant with decreased food safety regulations while the neighboring building’s foundation crumbles beneath them. Now everyone is ordering Chinese takeout.
In the end, the billionaire class doesn’t just fail spectacularly—they do so in ways that waste not just their money, but our time. And as they squabble over social media dominance and presidential power, the rest of us are left to wonder: are these really the people who should be in charge of our future?