by Adam West
Hello, dear reader. The Cento recently received a concerning letter and believe that it would be best, as a newspaper, to publish it for your enjoyment. We cannot confirm or deny anything in this message. However, if you have any information that may validate or disprove this email, please contact us at vantage.point@centre.edu.
Dear Cento,
I write this letter to you having graduated some time ago. I got my hands on a copy of the first Fall 2024 Cento issue. I read it and I have some problems. You insulted my home. You don’t understand what you criticize for not being perfect. Chevans is the best student dorm for one reason: the cockroach fights.
I know what you’re thinking. “How haven’t we heard about this before?” Well, it’s the best-kept secret on campus. We paid off DPS (what, you think Centre pays them a living wage?), so if anyone wanted to stop the fights, then it would be covered up (the icebox has been used for more than piss). The other dorms were always happy to give us fighters, and they always had more fighters.
I was in Evans freshman year, and then I bounced around as a Chevans RA sophomore and junior year. Senior year, I was too busy to go to the fights, but that was okay. I still heard about them. They still trust me with this secret. As I write this, I’m checking my window to make sure no one is watching. Some people lost a lot in the fights, and some were quite successful. We had a few idiots who had to drop out of Centre because they bet too much on the fights, but hey – sometimes that’s the price you have to pay.
So yeah, there was a Chevans cockroach fight club. We would mostly just pit cockroaches against each other, although sometimes an impressive centipede or a grotesque bed bug would be entered in the fights. We always had the fights just before the frat parties so that we’d get the most attendance. A lot of people pregamed for the frats, and if that made them bet a little too much, then that was their loss. We often left the corpses of the losers up in the room of the person who won the most money. Somehow, the corpses would never decompose, but rather become moldy. Let’s be honest, though – if you won that much, then a little mold wouldn’t hurt you.
The cockroaches were each marked with a color, and then pitted against each other in a cage match. We had some weird BMB majors who had some chemicals that made the cockroaches super aggressive. We had one – Red Fred, we called him – who won almost 30 fights before he got eaten alive.
Both Yerkes and Chevans had fight clubs: Chevans just got rid of the actual parasites. I thought this information would be instrumental in changing The Cento’s views of this underdog residence hall.
Sincerely,
Terminix