by Aelwen Iredale
5am: Wake up
Time to get up and get at it, recruit! It’s time for you to prove your mettle as a soldier—I mean, student at Centre College. So, roll out of bed and throw on the first clothes you can find. Every minute you waste is a minute you could spend studying
7am: Eat
There are three options for breakfast at Centre. 1) Nothing–recommended, eating takes up time for extra studying. 2) An omelet–Cowan omelets are delicious, but, remember, you are WASTING YOUR TIME by not rereading assignments for class and instead eating. Be more responsible 3) Einstein’s–Again, fine, you have to eat, but stop wasting time. Get to work
8am: Begin classes
Your classes should start as early as possible, and you should pack as many classes as possible into a single day. You’re at Centre. You should be double majoring and double minoring at the very least. Any space in your schedule? Add another class. No breaks, only classes. (You’re lazy if you’re not following this recommendation)
4pm: Finish classes
Forget about lunch, your next order of business should be homework. Jump right into your assignments. Who wants to waste flex dollars or meal swipes when you could be an academic weapon? Write drafts for essays while dizzy with hunger, and eat calculus instead of food. Visit professors with your delirious questions while food is all you can think about. This is Centre. It’s not academically rigorous if you’re not suffering.
6pm: Eat dinner
Okay, fine. You can let yourself eat dinner. Two meals a day is enough. But make it quick! Your fifty million club activities and convocations begin soon.
6:30pm: Homework
Let’s get more work done. Since you were lethargic due to the lack of nutrition—necessary as a Centre student—you probably have more homework to get done before convocations.
7:30pm: Convocations/Clubs
Now, I know that there are too many events going on to choose from, so invent a way to clone yourself–-homework in your genetics class, most likely—so you can go to club activities, convocations, hang out with your friends for some socialization, and get more homework done.
8:30pm: Try to leave convocation
Inevitably, people will ask questions, so pick up your phone and complain on YikYak until you can escape.
8:45pm: Get back to work
You’ve wasted enough time. Do more homework. Revise essays. Prepare for labs. Be a tough Centre student! You signed up for the academics here, so be prepared to suffer.
10:30pm: Mental Breakdown
Cry. Consider dropping out. Cry some more. Stare at the ceiling in despair.
11:00pm: Taco Bell Run
Your eating schedule is screwed anyways. Might as well indulge in Taco Bell instead of sleep. There are very few options left for you.
11:30pm: Commiserate
As you sit in your car with friends with Taco Bell—in a parking spot that was miserable to find because we have none on campus—just stare into space as you all think about what you’re working towards and if this is really worth it.
12:00am: Homework
Listen. You know the drill at this point. You’re going to be miserable anyways, so let’s be productive so you don’t have a breakdown about being unproductive. Yay! Let’s get back to work!
1:00am: Mania
Suddenly, you’re really delusional and productive. You’re an academic weapon. Centre can’t defeat you! You’re going to complete all your assignments, defeat your exams, and win against this evil thing called college.
2:00am: Crash
Faceplant on a study room table and make peace with the fact that this is where you are sleeping for the night. Who has energy to get back to their room? Besides, if you wake up here, you can get straight back to work! Good for you. You are a productive Centre student!