by Anonymous
Dear young colonel,
Welcome to the fighting grounds where you’ll forge yourself into an academic weapon. Here, you’ll build yourself up, find allies, and climb the ranks from teeny-tiny first year to only-sorta-stressed senior.
It’s somewhat disconcerting and frightening to arrive at a new place, meet new people, and learn new things. I sure wish I’d had a rundown on the spots around campus, so here’s a (mostly) forthright description of the first year housing description. This is based on my experience, so take it as you will—I could be pulling your leg.
I’ll kick off my tour in New Quad. Now, don’t get this mixed up with the freshly renovated Old Quad. The triad of New Quad constructions are more recent; they just haven’t updated them for a good long minute.
If you opened your email to discover you were assigned lodging in Cheek or Evans, I must offer my sincerest condolences. Chevans is known for mold, flooded bathrooms, and lackluster security. Congratulations! This is a splendid arrangement for bonding with your roommate…and perhaps a few creepy-crawlies, too. I’d recommend making friends with people in other dorms to temporarily escape.
Achwell, located directly to the left of the infamous Chevans, is a step up in the world. Featuring a damp basement, a dimly lit lobby, and the deluxe surround sound of Gotham City, Acheson and Caldwell Hall might just be the cozy box you love to return to after a long night in Crounse. As a former Caldwellian, I did at least appreciate the cheerful yellow walls and mostly functional heating. (The heating does come with the cute twist of working well in both winter and summer).
The Yerkes crew are spoiled rotten and I love that for them. No more can be said, except that I hear the basement is a great retreat for…I mean from, a fight.
One more New Quad note: I have confidence you can tunnel through the challenges!
Crossing the street (passing the crosswalk demon and rampaging Danvillian drivers), you’ll notice Wiseman Hall, tucked behind Old Centre. Wiseman is often forgotten, because the wise men and ladies that live there don’t have much to complain about. Maybe they even get preferential priority for class registration. What do I know? I got stuck in Caldwell.
Slip across another street, but don’t head down Greek Row. Look, there’s Bingham—take a look at Centre’s only first-year elevator. If you tear your ACL, you might find yourself relocated to the land of cinder block walls and musty halls.
And last, but not least (in terms of reputation only): Nasty Nev. See, Nevin Hall used to be men-only, until it was decided that the influence of women would probably cut down on the stench. You tell me if it worked. While commonly placed at the bottom of Centre’s dormitories in ranking, I’m going to break from tradition and give that title to Chevans. Nevin is fine. You’ll be a little isolated from the rest of the first year class, but that has its perks. Final tip: you may want to invest in a gas leak detector.
In the end, no matter your assignment, you can thrive on Centre’s campus. A true benefit of Centre’s size is how easy it is to build community. We all come together—frequently gathering outside at 2 AM while the fire alarms blare—and we’re stronger for the adversities we face. You’re paying for the Colonel experience, right? Well, you’ll live in military housing, then. Enjoy! Good luck! Befriend upperclassmen! Be kind to your roommate!
With love and tolerance,
A snarky sophomore fool