by Natalie Warren, Editor-in-Chief 2022-2023
In a sudden turn of events, Dean Goldey announced on Monday that President Milton has entered into an early retirement. The reasons he cited were 1) His budget had suffered significant cuts due to funds being funneled toward light pole replacement, 2) The stress of the clock tower project was just too much to handle, and 3) Cowan’s food was simply not as good as Rhodes’. “While we are saddened to see him go, we love to watch him leave,” Dean Goldey said in her closing remarks to the press. Students are adjusting remarkably well to the absence of an authority figure on campus. After an impressively short mourning period, campus leaders have called for an emergency election, hosted in the campus center on Wednesday.
But they soon discovered that electing a new president of the College was a more daunting task than first thought. The main source of difficulty was finding candidates to run in the first place. “We’ve asked every qualified adult within a 500-mile radius, but nobody will touch this project with a ten foot pole, it seems,” remarked an SGA representative. As the hour for the election drew ever-closer, the campus was scrambling to find even a single candidate. As the hour for the election drew ever closer, the campus was scrambling to find even a single candidate. Then, like the burning bush appeared to Moses, CENTO editor-in-chief Lindsey Wood saw the ex-presidential dog, Blue, wandering campus with no owner. Finally, a qualified candidate had presented himself! The election was short and sweet, with all students and administrators present happily casting their vote for Blue’s presidency. President Blue, it was reported, was just happy to be included. His serendipitous entry into leadership surely bodes well for the rest of his term, as he is already on track to be Centre’s most well-loved president on record. Certainly, he’s the only president that says hello by licking you, but no one has complained yet. College affairs are proceeding swimmingly, and students all over campus are expressing their excitement to see what exciting things President Blue has in store for us. We hope it doesn’t include kibble.
A retrospective from the Cento’s April Fool’s edition in 2021.