BY BRENNEN AMONETT – STAFF WRITER
The Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) revealed a new partnership with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) today, announcing the first ever Vice Presidential Fight-to-the-Death Cage Brawl. This event is set to take place at Centre College on October 13th, 2016, and will be the fourth of now five general election debate events.
The custom match is loosely based on one of WWE’s most brutal enclosure-based variations, ‘Hell in a Cell,’ with various features from other forms of cage matches, including a ring of fire from Inferno matches and bamboo caging from Punjabi Prison matches. Some are hesitant to consider the event a “debate,” but the CPD has assured the public that it is in the best interest of the American public to witness not only the political beliefs, but the remorseless fury the Vice Presidential candidates possess.
The candidates will be placed in a completely enclosed, 16-foot-tall bamboo pen and allowed to use whatever means necessary to win. There will be no weapons, hand to hand combat only, and no referee. Once the competitors step into the cage, all is fair game. Two vice presidential candidates will enter, only one will leave alive.
Centre President John A. Roush stated the college is honored to host a general election debate once again. “If you haven’t heard,” said President Roush, “and I really cannot imagine that you haven’t, Centre hosted the 2000 and 2012 Vice Presidential Debates. I’m very proud of that, because, for many students, these events are the first opportunities to engage in the election process. It is a privilege to allow young adults a front row seat to the carnage and mayhem we cling to in American politics.”
Roush also reflected on the possibility of the college seeing a real historic event take place on its campus, in the hopes that this will be the first time a Vice President will have killed a man since the Burr-Hamilton duel in 1804. “Centre’s been working behind the scenes during a lot of our country’s historic moments, from teaching Abraham Lincoln about the inhumane implications of slavery to, as I mentioned earlier, the Vice Presidential debates held here in 2000 and 2012. It’ll be good to have a new, exciting event like this to lure in prospective students for at least the next 200 years.”
Centre College hosted the 2000 and 2012 Vice Presidential debates, two events that brought a lot of publicity to the quiet town in central Kentucky. This year’s endeavor is sure to attract a crowd, likely larger than usual due to the nature of this particular event. From news correspondents and political pundits, to wrestling fans venturing onto the political scene for the first time, this brawl is sure to put Danville on the map, at least for a night.
Because of this mass bureaucratic exodus, many local businesses have already begun preparing for the match up. Guadalajara’s Mexican Restaurant, home of the famed Danville Special, is rumored to be in the process of concocting an experimental dish named after Vice Presidential candidate and fluent Spanish speaker Tim Kaine. No word as to what the dish will consist of, but it will be sure to strangle the taste buds and rectums of wealthy white lawmakers during their short stay in the historic town.
As for the candidate’s preparations, the nominees have taken distinct approaches to their conditioning. Donald Trump’s abettor, Mike Pence, is reportedly relying heavily sheer brute force. His training has consisted chiefly of typical boxing discipline, including runs up the steps to Indiana’s state capital building and bouts of gubernatorial combat versus a bound and gagged Chris Christie.
Contrary to Governor Pence’s physical honing, Hillary Clinton’s running mate and “America’s cool dad” Tim Kaine has been focused primarily on imitation. Since the announcement of a duel to the death, Senator Kaine has only been sighted sweating in front of a television screen that constantly plays clips of Hillary Clinton’s past public appearances, from 1979 to the present day. Every movement, from head nods to waves to individual blinks, Tim Kaine replicates exactly. “The goal of the exercise,” explained campaign strategist Joel Benenson, “is to have a team that eats, breaths, and fights as a cohesive unit. If [Senator Kaine] can cough like Hillary Clinton, he can kill like Hillary Clinton.”
After last week’s first presidential debate, many undecided voters are glad they won’t be forced to experience any sorrow for the fate of the country during this event. Entertainment and butchery, after all, have gone hand in hand since the founding of democracy. Even Ancient Greece understood the importance of sacrifice. Let’s get back to our roots and make our republic great again: Vice Presidential Candidate versus Vice Presidential Candidate, for the fate of the free world-let’s get ready to rumble.
Editor’s Note: The previous article is from the CentOnion series, a satirical publication focused on parodying various subjects unique to Centre College’s campus.
As such, all content within this article is purely fictional and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Cento or Centre College.
In addition all quotations used in this article are purely fictional and do not necessarily reflect the views of the individuals quoted.