by Charlesie Robison
Centre College’s English department, typically a department of community, respect, and camaraderie, has fallen into disarray and infighting, and is beginning to fall apart at the seams. Last Thursday, deep in the basements of Crounse, a long buried tome was found, hidden by the retired Mark Lucas. In it, he prophesied the dangers of a two party system, and how one argument could break the program into two, destroying the English community as we know it. One single question, one posed by scholars for years, has the power to destroy one of Centre’s strongest departments. However, with the finding of this tome, the debate began, and the prophecy of war became self-fulfilling. The question? Which is better: Yuri or Yaoi.
Spearheading these factions are professor John Kinkade and professor Helen Emmitt, each leading the fight for Yuri and Yaoi respectively. When asked about his opinion, Kinkade quoted; “Yuri is an art form rich with history, symbolism, and beauty. The term “yuri” comes from the Japanese word for the flower lily, which symbolizes the purity and grace of femininity and the love between women. It tackles both the inherent beauty and tragedy that exists within a girls-love relationship, with much of the yuri genre delving into the themes of feminine oppression and how, despite the world fighting against these young women, they still are able to find love in one another.” Kinkade continued to speak for an hour about the history of lesbian relationships both in fiction and in the western world. We are unaware of when (or if) he stopped or anything else he stated worth quoting, as the journalist sent to interview him left the room while he was talking, and yet he was so deep into his rant that he never noticed their departure. When asked the same question about her own faction, Emmitt quoted “I just really like seeing those Hockey boys kiss.”
The rest of Centre’s English faculty have fallen into one of the two categories, such as Dr. White following Dr. Emmitt down the path of yaoi, crediting his reasoning to “most Shakespeare is full of gay men anyways”. There is talk of him adjusting his syllabus, allowing students to choose between writing their analysis papers on the class reading, or to write yaoi fanfiction about the characters within the play instead. while Dr. Kundu is spending her final semester at Centre College fighting for the Yuri cause after spending her time at the school advocating for diverse yuri representations, reminding students that yuri comes in all shapes and sizes. Professor Chacon has been one of the only professors I have not been able to place into a concrete side, with her giving a different answer depending on who asks. In private, I was able to coax out of her that she does not see the point in pitting queer art against one another, however she refused to speak any longer on the matter. I have reason to suspect that she was wary of being watched.
While the battle is not a physical one, the effects are incredibly clear amongst students, with professors refusing to speak to those on the “other side” and even working towards encouraging their students to fight for their cause as well. Dr Emmitt’s “Literary Monsters” centre-term course is in the process of being rebranded to “Just Three Weeks of talking about FranKISSstein” while Dr. Kinkade has mentioned in passing adding Yuri to his History of the English Language course, turning HOTEL into HOTELAAY [History of the English Language and also Yuri].
As I dug deeper into the war, I began to uncover more and more, and now have reason to believe that the English majors are being recruited as spies and propaganda machines, while prospective majors are being conditioned to choose their path once they come of age. In any English class, take a moment to listen, and you will start hearing it. The louder than average conversations being held about this “show they watched that has such peak yaoi” or how “the characters in the reading today could be yuri if you squinted”. Those aren’t natural conversations, those are careful implants meant to get you interested, to get you invested, and to prepare you to choose their side once things get bloody. Be careful, and if someone asks you for your opinion on yuri or yaoi, feign ignorance. It is for your own safety and well being.
I attempted to reach out to the famed Dr. Lucas for his opinions, however the former professor has gone MIA, likely disappearing after learning about the war growing amongst his former colleagues. I can only imagine the compunction and remorse he must be facing, a man who once organized bonfires to bring the community together, now the cause for them all falling apart. Nonetheless, the damage has been done, and we are unaware if the English department will ever recover from the constantly growing tensions amongst them all.
While no stones have yet been thrown, it is clear that it will not be long until this war, much like Kentucky weather, shifts from cold to hot. Please, if you have any loved ones directly involved with the English department, keep them in your thoughts and prayers during these unprecedented times. All we can do is stand by and watch, while we hope this all blows over soon and the enemies, like the yuri and yaoi they fight for, become lovers.