by Oaffy Duckley
Many months of investigative reporting have finally answered one of the student body’s most pressing questions over the last year: where is all our increased tuition money going? A financial report obtained by the CentOnion reveals the shocking truth: in Academic Year 2025-2026, $528,751 of Centre’s budget was earmarked for “caviar, Wagyu kibble and dog treat accoutrements” under the General Fund for the President’s First Dog. That’s right… Blue the dog.
Even more shocking, Blue has apparently racked up over a million dollars in travel expenses, with first-class airline tickets and hotel bookings revealing the pup’s luxurious vacation destinations, including Cancún, Tahiti, and various resorts along the Mediterranean coast, all written off as “evaluating study abroad programs.”
When pressed for comment, Centre’s First Dog descended into an angry barking fit before running off to harass a student’s emotional support animal. In a statement to the CentOnion, the Executive Office of the President said, “These allegations are totally meritless, and the supposed findings of this sham ‘investigative report’ are quite obviously fabricated. Centre College maintains a strict policy of absolute non-transparency in all financial matters and would never allow our expenditure of tuition dollars to fall so carelessly into public view, much less face accountability for it.”
It has also been reported that Centre’s public relations team is currently working overtime and devoting untold resources to recoup Blue’s public image on Instagram (and, allegedly, YikYak). We were assured by the administration, however, that this social media campaign’s near-infinite budget is a fiscally tolerable use of the College’s funds since it is balanced out by student workers earning minimum wage.
Many Centre students are understandably outraged by these earth-shattering revelations. To demonstrate their grievances against the mishandling of their tuition dollars by Centre’s most pampered puppy, an anti-Blue student organization calling themselves Centre Rage for Economic Democracy (RED) are organizing a protest outside Blue’s doghouse (referred to by RED as a palatial “dogmansion”). They are inviting all students enraged by the First Dog’s financial excesses to join them in a peaceful demonstration next Thursday where they will symbolically burn their tuition statements in protest.
The shameless face of greed (@centrefirstdog on Instagram)