by Anonymous
Weed is becoming more and more accessible at Centre College. There is a rising demand for this substance among Centre students and this demand is being met by an unexpected demographic: Danville high school students.
These Danville locals are flooding Centre with so much weed that even the most seasoned of stoners would green out. So, naturally, weed use has increased on campus. Nowadays it’s not uncommon to see high schoolers walking into buildings like Crounse and exchanging bags and money with students as they walk out of their 8 am class.
And it’s not just accessible because it’s local. Many Danville students will let Centre students buy, not with money, but with homework. By completing a math worksheet for an eighth of weed, even the brokest of Centre students can get their fix. In consequence, students are doing more homework than ever before, staying up later and later to squeeze in as much as possible. They are even writing full essays on top of their regular class load, doing whatever they can to secure both quality and quantity.
As there is clearly more weed on campus because of this phenomenon, there is more weed being smoked on campus. As a result many buildings on campus smelled like weed to the point that YikYak took over. The application started persistently complaining about how many of the buildings would consistently smell like weed. Despite attempts to hide the smell, the consensus was that the smell was always there and never left. But little did the YikYakers know that things would escalate even further.
Since these complaints, there have been concerted movements to start hotboxing entire buildings. Whether it was between classes, after classes or late at night, students started smoking together in any and every academic building. Their goal? Successfully hotbox and fill buildings like the library with weed. Hotboxing Crounse has served as a means of building a strong connection among Centre students. It has become codified as students celebrated the arrival of P Milly and several other well respected professors to the smoke sesh. One may be concerned that grades will plummet, but the opposite happened. Experts found, after this weed epidemic started, that the average GPA of Centre students jumped to 5.0. But more importantly the president of Centre has committed to putting up a statue of weed in honor of the joy of turning one’s eyes red.
Turning Crounse into a dedicated recreation building has left a permanent smell and lingering of second hand smoke. Many students and faculty get a second hand high in the days following a session. This made 8 am courses way more interesting than they had been for years. But things got even more interesting when faculty started offering after parties in the president’s house. At such events there were any number of other drugs offered, from vodka to meth, free of charge to the students. Thus Centre students finally figured out how to make college interesting: drugs.