by Anonymous
Greetings Colonels! It is I, your favorite, faithful Centre student, back with another update from my amazing life at Centre College! What a whirlwind of a year it has been so far. Today, I’d like to update my readers on the wonderful living situation I have lucked into this year. Not to brag, but I was one of the few, up-til now reclusive, students living in the Northside study rooms. Not only do I have a single all to myself–which I’m still allowed to pay for so I can feel like a normal student–I also don’t have to worry about any pesky windows! Though most students enjoy having a spacious room with lots of light and airflow, I absolutely adore the snug, dimly-lit vibe of my study home. Oftentimes, I wake up in the morning to darkness, wondering if it is time to get up for classes yet, and am struck by how much I feel like a small, warm rat living in a cute, little hole in the wall! How quaint and cozy, right‽ Now, many of my friends have been trying to tell me that my dorm home is “a fire hazard,” “unsafe,” and “a gross example of housing exploitation.” However, I defy these cruel insults towards the Centre RLO!! Jess Sweitzer, my icon, my idol, my friend! She would never do anything contrary to student rights or safety regulations! What a kind and generous soul we have running our Residence Life Office! In fact, RLO should stand for Really Lovely Officers (of housing)!
In addition to my perfect Northside room, I get to share a luxurious bathroom with my suitemates! Sharing a bathroom really allows me to connect with them and get to know them more intimately. Though we have never shared words, I know the distinct colors of their hair in the clogged drain, the specific brands of body wash they leave on the shower shelves, and the unique print of their shoes that mark the bathroom floor with mud. We are so close, I even know how dedicated they are to their studies, since they are always too busy to put down the toilet seat, wipe off the counter after washing dishes, or even wash their hands after going to the bathroom. I get to be so close to them, I can even hear all the intimate details of their romantic relationships as they make beautiful noises through the microscopically thin walls! What more could a Centre student wish for other than to be this close to their fellow colonels! How courteous they are to cultivate a close relationship through our meaningful shared spaces! My suitemates are also kind enough to keep the custodians employed by offering them endless opportunities to clean up after them. By generously overloading the trash cans, spilling things all over the floors, and leaving empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom, they sure do keep our cleaning staff busy!
However, my absolute favorite part of my living situation this year has got to be the mold! After getting that thoughtful email from RLO earlier this year, I took it upon myself, as a dutiful Centre student, to check all areas of my tiny room for mold–and my goodness, do I have a lot of it! My room’s mold collection is such an embarrassment of riches, that I have begun to contract some of the symptoms of mold sickness. Of course, as the email detailed, this is all my fault. How terrible of me to leave that singular banana peel in my garbage can for a full two days! Even though that large black spot on my ceiling and A/C unit were there when I moved in, I am sure that it was my negligence and irresponsibility that led to me contracting mold sickness. In all honesty though, I believe I am beginning to enjoy it! For the past few months, I have begun to associate the smell of dank, wet mold with the smell of a loving home. All thanks to the wonderful amenities of Centre housing!