Dear Abe, I don’t think I deserved the grade I got on my exam, how should I go about fixing this?
If a test defeats you, then you must retaliate by defeating it. Or, more precisely, you must defeat the person who created that test: your professor. When you stare at the failing grade on your paper, use your rage to your advantage. Slam the exam down on your professor’s desk—throw down the gauntlet—and they will have no choice but defend their and their grade’s honor by accepting your challenge.
Of course, every duel has to have rules, and I have to say, I do not endorse a shooting match. Although Kentucky is a constitutional carry state, guns are too easy. Besides, the duel would be over too quickly, and this is a true battle to prove yourself. Boxing gloves? No. Headgear? No. Mouthguard? No, the only option is a physical fight. You and your professor have to brawl for your grade with nothing but your fists and determination.
Now, don’t assume your professors, despite being older than you, are any weaker than you. How do you think they got tenure? They defeated other professors for the privilege of job security as a teacher. They’re savages determined to continue their reign of terror over students. They will pummel you if they can keep giving you failing grades.
So, good luck with your duels! I wish you the best of luck. I fought for my degree. It’s time for you to do the same.
Dear Abe, It seems like all of the good romantic possibilities are taken, what would you recommend for a Colonel seeking love?
Listen, I completely understand your problems. Everyone worth dating is already taken, and that leaves you with nothing. Don’t fret, though, I have a plan: break the happy couples up and give yourself the dating options.
Now, I know your follow-up question will be, “Abe, how do I do that?” I will answer that now.
First of all, stalk the couple of your choice. Discover every tidbit you can about their relationship: how they met, when they go on dates, what their schedules are, what types of little arguments they get into. This is imperative because 1) you want to know facts about your future partner and 2) you have to weaponize this information.
If they’re been in an argument—say, whether or not chewing noises are gross or not—bring it up. Be subtle and “accidentally” let your opinion slip (ensure it’s the same as your prospective partner) so that the “happy” couple’s conversation devolves into argument.
If that isn’t working, use your knowledge of their schedules to disrupt date nights. Forge a copy of their room keys and lock them in so they are late to dates—yes, this is Cinderella advice, but there are no magic mice or singing to save this couple. Everytime you lock the person up, casually remark to their partner they’re late. Be bold, sew discord with the facade of care and concern.
And, finally, if none of that will work, call 1-800-BREAKUP to hire someone to come in and lure their partner away. If they’re never seen again, that’s none of your business. You’ve now got dating options.
Old Version:
If everyone worth dating on campus is already taken, that leaves you only one option, take them back. Ideally you get them to leave their current fling entirely of their own volition by convincing them, subtly and carefully, that you are the ideal partner. There are a few ways to do this with the most effective being the list of attributes. Everytime you talk to your target, be sure to list off all of the different ways in which you excel. Talk about that one award you got in elementary school for penmanship, or about how you are doing so much better at school than your classmates. Once you have made yourself the clearly superior option for a mate, they will positively fall into your arms.
Sometimes though, the simple easy method doesn’t work. If, for some reason, an incessant barrage of self-aggrandisement doesn’t win them over to your side, it becomes time to go on the full offensive. I would recommend following, from a safe distance, the “romantic” couple you are trying to separate. Take notes of the things which they bicker over, their future plans, even their favorite colors. Each and every fact can be used against them.
Once you have collected enough information it is time to begin. Find ways to subtly force a wedge between this doomed match. Ensure that one of them is consistently late to their dates by stealing their shoes. Send fake text messages to one of the partners, from a burner phone of course, indicating some sort of cheating. Swap out any carefully planned presents with an item that will definitely anger the other partner.