by Cole Hiller
In case you didn’t know, the election was this year. I didn’t know that until the day of the election, when I was researching the candidates frantically while being driven to the polling station. Personally, I was too wrapped up in Antarctica’s politics to pay attention to American politics, so I voted for a third party candidate (Zorp, the current penguin leader of Antarctica) because I am insane and have achieved a level of enlightenment you will never understand.
While on the topic of third party candidates: the two party system is dumb. Let’s re-contextualize it to something you will understand. Say we’re in a pizza shop. There are two options: pineapple on pizza, or no pineapple on pizza. But I don’t want either. I want a third option: orange juice on pizza. You get the wonderful taste of orange without actually having to chew something; it’s like the ideal pizza. Also, pizza is better eaten upside down, but that’s another issue.
According to research done by the Pew Research Center, in 1994 only 6% of Americans had an unfavorable view of both Democrats and Republicans. That number was 27% in 2022. Basically, it got larger over time. If we take that in terms of pizza, more people now prefer orange juice on their pizza. Pew Research Center also found, in 2022, that 21% of people very strongly feel there should be more political parties. In terms of pizza, that 21% likes eating their orange juice pizza upside down.
But like, let’s be frfr rn.
People have complicated, varying views. To be forced to fit your nuanced political views and worldview into one of two parties is insane. It doesn’t work like that. People are more complicated than two options; they probably need just one option, actually. No party will ever perfectly encapsulate a person’s views, but more variety in party choice means that more people will have more accurate representation, even if that representation is not perfect.
Take me, for example. My key issue is that crime should be legal. I don’t see any candidate who is going to legalize all crime, so that’s why I will be moving to Antarctica, where the only law is that you have to meet your daily crime quota. That means every day I have to do at least 10 crimes or be arrested. In Antarctica, I am well represented, and here I am not well represented; because two parties inevitably don’t represent my views.
You may say that there are other political parties that run candidates in America. To that I would say, no there aren’t, you’re wrong. But if you were right, then I would tell you that in this past election, no third party candidate got a single electoral vote, so to say they actually mean anything is a joke. To vote third party is the equivalent of telling someone that orange juice and tomato sauce are a good food combination (which they are) and expecting that person to take you seriously.
If you still disagree with the idea that there should be more political parties, I would ask you what you think about orange juice (answer very carefully (there is a correct answer)). Then, I would tell you that the president is meant to represent the people, and more options means that the people’s (general) beliefs can be better represented. Then I might tell you that there are, in fact, better alternatives to our current capitalist system. So basically, pasta is in fact better than pizza, because pasta is delicious. Or french fries – you don’t understand how good french fries are. Like, a huge bowl of fries and some ketchup? That’s amazing. If you disagree, I’m pretty sure that I know 100% for sure that you are 0% right (objectively).
So what did we learn? Orange juice makes pizza better. If you like crime, I’ll buy you a plane ticket to Antarctica and you can go with me. And there will be free fries in Zorp’s Antarctica.