BY BRENNEN AMONETT – EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
The Centre College dining scene is an ever-evolving culture. It is a foodie’s oasis in the sparse desert that is Danville, Kentucky.
As of Monday, this only became more true. The college’s food provider, Sodexo – praised for its wide variety of healthy and flavorful options – installed a Pepto-Bismol dispenser among the other condiments offered in the Cowan Dining Hall.
The official announcement made in the cafeteria involved Sodexo Manager Mike Nagorka singing the product’s jingle for well over two hours, as to reach both the 11:20 and 12:30 lunch rushes. He repeated the rhythmic lyrics, “Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea,” approximately 2,000 times.
The bright pink box now situated among the red Ketchup and golden Honey Mustard dispensers stands out as an unusual addition. “It’s a feature that students didn’t ask for,” explained Robert Snyder, Head of the SGA Dining Committee, “but it’s one they need.”
Snyder stated that the new dispenser serves a number of purposes. “Not only does this serve as a new option for students with dietary restrictions, but it also provides a safer way of eating our food.”
Recently, students have come forward with allegations that suggest Cowan foods often have severe impacts on their health. “I tried the new Doritos Pizza,” Recovering Cowan User Claudia De Rosa confessed, “and I could not see or hear for a week.”
To those who claim that Cowan food often has damaging effects on the human body, Snyder claims the Pepto-Bismol is here specifically to ease those pains. Snyder’s committee was contractually obligated by Pepto-Bismol to craft a slogan that Miss Sue is required to say each time someone swipes into Cowan: “Don’t hurt yourself trying to digest without a friend, Pepto-Bismol has you covered end to end.”
In order to highlight this addition alongside other dining improvements, Sodexo is partnering with students to launch the #WhyISwiped campaign. Already, students have voiced their appreciation on social media. Senior Zoe DeWitt tweeted, “I love that sweet sound – ‘One or two hun!’ #WhyISwiped.” First year Brandon Meier added the hashtag as a caption to his Instagram photo of six pounds of overcooked pasta floating in water.
Sodexo hopes that soon, students will reflect on their meals and determine that the Pept-Bismol dispenser is #WhyTheySwiped.
Some experimental Cowan-goers began using the Pepto-Bismol as an artistic outlet, brewing various concoctions with the pink Bismuth slag. It’s unique consistency allows for diverse utility: it is thick enough to substitute for ice cream in a shake, liquid enough to use as dressing or pour in cereal, and sticky enough to glaze a waffle.
One person offered the idea of placing another dispenser next to the bi-weekly chili bar. “Not only does [the Pepto-Bismol] immediately cancel out the chili’s indigestible carcinogens, it actually tastes really good.”
This person wishes to remain anonymous, out of concern for their personal safety due to this statement; however, their name does rhyme with the name “Susie Toush.”
Beyond the initial impact on the campus, this decision has also garnered outside attention. Other corporations have expressed interest in a Sodexo partnership with the hopes of including their products on grotesque college buffets across the nation. TUMS wishes to use their product in Cowan’s Carnival Cookies. The nasal spray Narcan, a medication used to block the effects of opioid overdose, has also reportedly shown interest in collaboration.
P&G, Pepto-Bismol’s parent company, issued the following statement regarding its use at Centre: “We are very proud of our New Kentucky Home, and hope to enrich the future of Centre Dining.”
Indeed, looking forward, the antacid seems to oddly represent Cowan’s trajectory: slimy, and much too pink to be healthy. But boy, does it taste good!
Editor’s Note: The previous article is from the CentOnion series, a satirical publication focused on parodying various subjects unique to Centre College’s campus.
As such, all content within this article is purely fictional and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Cento or Centre College.
In addition all quotations used in this article are purely fictional and do not necessarily reflect the views of the individuals quoted.