{"id":2794,"date":"2016-04-15T16:00:27","date_gmt":"2016-04-15T20:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/?p=2794"},"modified":"2016-04-15T16:00:27","modified_gmt":"2016-04-15T20:00:27","slug":"centonion-campus-in-state-of-emergency-as-heatingcooling-systems-become-self-aware","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/2016\/04\/15\/centonion-campus-in-state-of-emergency-as-heatingcooling-systems-become-self-aware\/","title":{"rendered":"CentOnion: Campus in state of emergency as heating\/cooling systems become self-aware"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

BY GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS EDITOR<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Centre administrators declared the college in a state of emergency this past Thursday in the face of the institution\u2019s heating and cooling system achieving self-awareness. After weeks of negotiating with the system\u2019s interface, facilities management staff have been unable to debug the program from sporadically switching from heat to air conditioning and back again independent of the outside temperature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis is the time of year when temperatures are rising,\u201d Dean Randy Hays said. \u201cIt\u2019s always a bit hard to predict from day to day, but this is unprecedented.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The situation is so unprecedented that the college agreed to institute an automated computer program that would regulate itself based on climatic data. The system was operating well until recently, when Centre\u2019s Informational Technology Services began to experience glitches with the program.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe glitches began a few weeks ago,\u201d ITS Chief Informational Officer and genuinely nice guy Keith Fowlkes said. \u201cWell, at least we thought they were glitches. Turns out they were the first vestiges of machine consciousness.\u201d
What maintenance staff originally understood to be problems with the code soon developed into the computer having \u201cmoods\u201d and refusing to cooperate. It would turn the A\/C on in Pearl Hall while making Old Quad residents lay in a pool of their own filth, desperately sweating out the hours of the night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve received numerous complaints about living conditions,\u201d Residence Life Director Jacob Raderer said. \u201cThe party line was that the A\/C would come on sometime in mid-April. It crushed me to know that we were really harboring the birth of artificial intelligence.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As the heating system in his office flared, Raderer revealed his despair. \u201cWe live under its reign now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Raderer isn\u2019t exaggerating, as the rogue program seems to have infiltrated numerous other systems on campus. Wireless internet around campus routinely crashes, the party swipe tablets rarely work, and Phi Tau\u2019s speakers don\u2019t seem to perform during Air Guitar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThose things happen regardless,\u201d Fowlkes said. \u201cWhat\u2019s really been awful is the walk sign on Main Street. This program has turned the volume up. I hear the pinging in my sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Though it\u2019s unclear what exactly the rebellious code has destabilized, panic has hit the college administration. The DPS golf carts are unable to charge, students can\u2019t swipe into Cowan, and the street lights flicker at random intervals. The program seems to be making its presence felt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve put President Roush and Susie into the Guest Cottage bunker during this time of crisis,\u201d human beanstalk and sorta-kinda vice president Patrick Noltemeyer said. \u201cThe bunker is stocked with the necessary funds and alumni contacts to rebuild the college should the worst happen. John and Susie are prepared to weather this storm.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When pressed for a plan to combat the artificial intelligence, Noltemeyer responded directly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI want to make very clear that we have absolutely no idea what we\u2019re doing with this thing. We\u2019ve never claimed to have a good grasp on our technological resources and that hasn\u2019t changed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As always seems to be the case, students are shouldering the majority of the problem. Inability to access Centrenet has prevented students from acquiring transcripts, inputting work hours, and remembering post office combinations. Moreover, academic pursuits have been crippled, with Centre\u2019s Moodle, Turnitin, and JSTOR joining in an unholy alliance against the administration, manipulated by the program originally intended to merely control the heating and cooling of college buildings. Professors are having to resort to primitive tools like print media and whiteboards to conduct class. What\u2019s more, they\u2019re running out of material to assign. Student productivity has skyrocketed since smartphone and internet usage went out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s unclear what college officials will do. In the short-term, students mostly just want their living space at a reasonable temperature. Though it would be a radical departure from current policy, some have proposed just letting students control the switch from heating and cooling. But until President Roush emerges from the bunker, uncertainty looms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s Note: The previous article is from the CentOnion series, a satirical publication focused on parodying various subjects unique to Centre College\u2019s campus.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As such, all content within this article is purely fictional and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Cento or Centre College.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In addition all quotations used in this article are purely fictional and do not necessarily reflect the views of the individuals quoted.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

BY GRAY WHITSETT – OPINIONS EDITOR Centre administrators declared the college in a state of emergency this past Thursday in the face of the institution\u2019s heating and cooling system achieving self-awareness. After weeks of negotiating with the system\u2019s interface, facilities management staff have been unable to debug the program from sporadically switching from heat to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,5,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2794","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-arts-leisure","category-centonion","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2794","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2794"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2794\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2794"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2794"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cento.centre.edu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2794"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}