CentOnion: DPS Opens Investigation into Centre Student’s Email Account

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Google Images Fair UseBY: BRENNEN AMONETT – STAFF WRITER

The Department of Public Safety (DPS) has opened an investigation into first-year student Hope Carter’s controversial use of the ‘reply all’ button on a school-wide email. In a letter written to the Centre College Board of Trustees on Friday, Director of Public Safety Kevin Milby noted that “The use of the ‘reply all’ function in response to an email addressed to the entire student body is a careless act of annoyance and deserves a full investigation into its intentions.”

Hope Carter’s now-infamous electronic message was a response to a “mystery package” email sent by Suzetta Lynch of the Centre College Post Office last week, in which Lynch explicitly stated in bold blue text, “see me at the post office, do not reply.”

DPS intends to examine the reasoning behind Carter’s blatant disregard for distinct instructions within the email, as well as perform an extensive examination of Carter’s email history under the impression that more incriminating content will be uncovered. If the Department does find material that suggests Carter ignored common email etiquette in the past, she may face charges for operating a school-provided email account without proper online correspondence training.

Some are calling Carter’s actions a breach of trust that directly undermines a common understanding of respect among students, but Ms. Carter insists it was only a simple mistake. “There were no malicious intentions,” she explained, “I know it doesn’t excuse my action, but I can’t be the first to misread an email; there are so many, they all blur together. I never know what should be pinned, flagged, or marked unread—is there even a difference?” said Carter.

However, to many, Carter’s apology provides no consolation. After all, Carter singlehandedly forced 1,400 other people to delete one more email, when most can’t be bothered to sift through the countless CentreNeXT Newsletters and Cowan Satisfaction Surveys in the first place.

“Distribution lists are the enemy,” junior Christopher Chaffin exclaimed, “any student who takes advantage of their deceptive delivery techniques deserves a punishment. She’s aligned herself with the administrative devils, and I refuse to tolerate that sacrilege on the campus that my GPA has died to protect.” Chaffin said.

The hashtag #ReplyNone has been trending on social media in the Danville area due to Centre students voicing their concerns on the issue. Some still believe that not enough is being done to prevent a ‘reply all’ scandal in the future. Sophomore Dutton Trapp took to Twitter to say the following: “DPS investigation long overdue. Sad! Need hacks to see what else Replyin’ Carter is hiding! Time to bring back law & order, need it bigly #ReplyNone.”

Although many criticize Carter’s carelessness, there is equal support condemning the timing of DPS’s investigation; their announcement comes just days before Hope Carter is scheduled to give a humanities presentation on the plight of Oedipus Rex.

Carter’s humanities professor, Dr. John Kincaid, issued a formal dissent of DPS’s course of action, which stated, “While the Department of Public Safety operates under the expectation that our students remain safe, it cannot prioritize the defense of an unclear concern over that of any student’s academic obligations.”

Even those who have declared support for DPS in the past condemn the department’s forceful entry into Carter’s academic affairs, especially this close to an upcoming assignment worth 25% of her grade. Dean of Student Life and DPS Sympathizer Randy “Savage” Hayes said “Although an inconvenience on students for a short amount of time, without proper evidence there is no reason to consider this anything other than a mistake on Hope Carter’s behalf. There is nothing to suggest this will happen again and Ms. Carter should not be forced to pay academically for a mistake she made unknowingly.”

If the investigation proves to be as strenuous on Hope as it presently appears, many expect her performance in the class to suffer. It is unlikely the investigation will conclude before her presentation, which may propagate seeds of discontent throughout the rest of her Centre career—four years under harsh scrutiny is inevitable.

While both sides to the argument continue to disagree on the necessary repercussions—some call for Carter’s suspension while others call for the removal of a ‘reply all’ button altogether—it is undeniable that no one wants to fall victim to such an inconvenience again, either on the replying or receiving end.

 

Editor’s Note: The previous article is from the CentOnion series, a satirical publication focused on parodying various subjects unique to Centre College’s campus.

As such, all content within this article is purely fictional and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Cento or Centre College.

In addition all quotations used in this article are purely fictional and do not necessarily reflect the views of the individuals quoted.


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